I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
