ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
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