This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
