Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
