mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
