bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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