What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
it glows. i had to have it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You made out with two different species that night
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
