Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
