You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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