My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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