Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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