there was a trapeze. enough said
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
