No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He's on the porch naked. Help.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
