my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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