Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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