it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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