It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
