It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
