so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I wear drunk well.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
