the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
