now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
