I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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