he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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