The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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