don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You took a bar mat shot.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
