my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
