Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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