: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
