I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
