woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
