So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
