My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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