goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
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