Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
