So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
