Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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