Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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