420 ftw
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Everything about him screamed your future.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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