oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
