moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
