Just cropdusted the office
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
