In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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