somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
