You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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