Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
