So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
