Umm I'm too high to move.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
