She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
