I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize