wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
