She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize