After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
