I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize