did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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