It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize