I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
