I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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