she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I will be naked everywhere
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Two words: blizzard sex
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
