I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
