she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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