Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
