my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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