it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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