I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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