just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
