Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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