the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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